Finding the Road Again

Some Call it Weak, Others Call it Taking Care of Business

Fucking stupid title I know.

Could have been a better attention getter like I’m going to kill myself but where’s the fun in that. Really though it has crossed my mind.

Some people would call it selfish, weak, blah blah blah.

Some people would understand but really not many people do.

We all feel like shit. We all go through stuff that we think that no one can understand or could ever imagine. We all feel as if the littlest things are the end of the world. Most of the time, let’s be honest, we just want attention. We just want someone to care, someone to reach out and comfort us, feed us bullshit lines that everything will be alright. Well most of the time it’s true. Everything does get better.

But there is always the exception.

I’ve dealt with depression heavily before all this cancer shit and it was immature, childish, highschool bullshit. I got over it. Lived my life and moved on.

Things change. People change. The hand your dealt all of a sudden isn’t as good as you remember and thoughts start to form.

These thoughts haven’t gone away. It wouldn’t be selfish either.

It wouldn’t be selfish.

There’s other people suffering too…….

It’s Taken Over Me…

Too much going on.

Too many doctors.

Too many tests.

Too much thinking about anything and everything. Not always so much the physical pain but what about the pain of the people around me. What are they thinking and feeling that they aren’t saying or showing. Are they even hurt?

Too much attention.

I used to think I wanted to be the center of attention. On everyone’s minds. But now I don’t want it. I don’t want any attention. I would like to go back to being unnoticed.

Keeping this short because I’m not feeling it tonight. Haven’t been in awhile.

Fuck you cancer.

Never Finding Happiness…

I hate choosing titles.

Sure they are optional but I can’t sum up what specifically I’m going to be writing about. The long and short of it; I’m pissed, depressed and hurting.

So those feelings aren’t much different than life before cancer. Now ontop of the emotional hurting is actual physical hurting, but we won’t go there for today.

I tried to make these positive. I want to be positive about treatment and the rest of my life, but its tough. No shit it’s tough. Now i’m just pissed, there’s no hiding that.

Forget all the cancer related bullshit for now.

I can not find happiness. I have tried and tried.

And it all comes down to: women.

———————-

I wrote the above yesterday night and had a lot more to say on the subject. Specifically one particular girl that I love. And not that b.s. highschool love, or the b.f./g.f. ooo I love you and will be together forever, then breakup in a few months and never speak, NO. 

I mean true, absolute love that is unfortunately too rare this day in age. Regardless I had lots to say and I realized why say it all. I’ve calmed down. I’m still unhappy and sad about it but you know what. I have other things to deal with now.

Things like cancer.

Oh Joy!

Just got to try and stay positive no matter what…

Well I’m trying.  

Pain? Where to begin…

Life Hurts.

I’ve come to expect that.

Before all this happened, I felt exactly how every teenager/young adult feels like. Like I have so many problems and nobody quite understands. And now I think WOW. What the fuck was I complaining about before. Why was I whining over the smallest possible things like it was the end of the world. I really didn’t have any pain, until now.

And now its a different type of pain. When it was recommended to me that I blog about my feelings through all of this, I didn’t want too. I still don’t want too. Mainly because I don’t want my friends and family to really know how I’m feeling. Who would want that. Who would want to read that. For me I can handle the actual physical pain. So far at least. But honestly its the mental/emotional pain I can’t deal with.

I’m not trying to be selfish either. Before all this I consistently thought about what other people thought, what other people feel. And now that’s all I think about. Sure I’ll admit I think about death and missing out on a few things in life but what about my family, my friends, the people who once knew me. What the fuck are they all thinking? What aren’t they saying to me? What are they holding back?

It’s those thoughts that keep me up late at night because I don’t want to hurt people. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. And most certainly, I don’t want people to hold back. I don’t want them to have regrets say things take a turn for the worse. I want everything out on the table just in case.

And for now, I just sit and wait. Fuck you cancer. I don’t need this shit anymore.

Anything Else but This…

Its been over a week since I wrote a blog.

Its been over a week since I got on the internet.

A week since I played hockey. Went to the mall. Went swimming. Its almost been a week since I’ve watched TV, really watched TV. Everywhere I’ve been, doctors’ offices, family and friends’ houses, even at my own home the TV has been on at some point and each time I still didn’t truly watch it. Sure I stared at it, pretended to be interested, but in reality I never saw anything going on. My mind was/is too occupied with racing thoughts but one could never tell by looking at my face. My face indicates that I’m dead inside. That I have no emotion. The former part is true, I’m dying inside. The latter is also true because I don’t know what I should be feeling.

All I know is that I’d rather be doing anything else than write this blog. I’d rather be living and selfish or not, I’d rather not have to think about potential death.

But I can’t change what has happened. No one can.

It’s hard to come to grips with that but for whatever fucked up reason, this happened to me. Not to one of my friends, not to one of my family members, but to me. It’s tough to accept and will always be but I’m hoping it makes me stronger. And my relationships with people stronger. And my views on living and the world stronger. I’m hoping that while this sick disease will change me physically and emotionally that it also changes me mentally. But in a good way. I want to think that I can overcome this and help people down the line overcome it as well. I don’t want to have to think this is a curse but rather an opportunity. An opportunity to change and become a better person.

Learning the Ins & Outs

It’s weird waking up now.

The first thing I think is maybe that was just a dream.

The next thing I think is that things like this don’t happen to people I know, let alone me. How could any of this be real? I’m still in denial. Why wouldn’t I be. It feels like one of those really awkward moments when something totally unexpected happens and you just are in awe, thinking what the fuck, did that just happen.

WAKE UP. IT HAPPENED.

I don’t know how to feel and that is my only feeling I’m certain of. If anything I should feel completely lost because I’m new to this all. It feels like trying to learn a new language where sure you know a few common words already but if you were to have a conversation with someone else, you wouldn’t understand what you were saying or what they were saying. There’s just so much I don’t get. I don’t know if I will ever truly understand any of it. Maybe that’s how its supposed to be. Maybe that’s life. Maybe that’s that. 

Back before it’s too late…

It’s been awhile.

Maybe too long.

Things are much different now.

Life took a hold of me and held me under deep. So deep that I couldn’t control it, couldn’t really control anything. If you believe in destiny or fate, you could call it that but I was dealt a hand that I couldn’t win with. A hand that took me by surprise and all I could feel was helplessness. But enough with the shitty metaphors, I was never good at them anyways.

My biggest fear has always been being alone. I’m sure most people have this fear but its one that crosses my mind a handful of times each day. My close second biggest fear was being forgotten. I feel. No I know that I’ve already been forgotten. Forgotten by former friends, the ones that stayed too close to home, too afraid to escape and experience life. Forgotten by ex-gfs, but then again who doesn’t expect that too happen. Forgotten by the people who you’d hang out with just because you know you have nothing else to do. Forgotten by everyone.

But not anymore.

Now everyone remembers me.

Now everyone is talking to me, trying to reconnect, trying to pretend like we’ve been best friends all along, like no time has past whatsoever. Everyone knows now. Word spread and one thing let to another and sooner than later, my secret was out.

I have cancer.